MOTHER AND CHILD

Sunday was mothering Sunday, and a whole lot of people were sending out messages to their mothers and updating their status on facebook telling everyone how they love their mom and all that. There was this particular tweet someone tweeted on twitter that made me laugh so hard.  It said, “Mothers are so fond of their children because they are very sure they are their own, unlike the fathers who are not so very sure”…..lol.  However that’s a story for another day.  Also, I saw lots of women who not only put up their mother’s pictures on facebook, but also that of the mother  in law as well. I was very impressed with this. I know lots of women these days do not get along with their mother in law . Sometimes there is this rivalry between women and their mother in law which if not properly handled may lead to serious problem within the family. I did experience this in the early years of my marriage.

I happen to be the only child of my mother (Dad had a child from another woman) and I lost dad when I just left secondary school so it was just my mum and I and we were so close. My wife and I started dating in my second year in the university and funny as it may seem, the first time I took my wife home and introduced her to my mother as my girlfriend my mum developed instant likeness for her so much so that they became so close then.  She was like the daughter she never had. They became so close that they were virtually doing everything together….. going to the market together, doing stuffs together and all that. So you can imagine how confused I was, when years later after we got married, my wife and my mom started having issues.  I immediately understood that these issues spun from the fact that my mom felt that I was no longer giving her the attention I use to give her, so she was doing everything to crave that attention. My wife on the other hand was of the opinion that my mum was been too worrisome and she should cut me some slacks, and understand that things are a bit different now.  So I had to call both women separately and explain to them that if they really want my happiness then they need to stop acting up. I was able to arrest the situation and put each woman in her right place. My mum is my mum, while my wife is my wife. They both have different roles they play in my life and the earlier they understand that, the better it would be for all of us.  Right now things have gone back the way it used to be and I’m happy about this. I laugh these days when they both gang up against me, most especially when one of them needs me to do something, they form alliance against me and I grudgingly give in. They now have this mother and child relationship once again, and we are one big happy family again.

The relationship between mothers and their son cannot be over emphasized . There is this close bond between them, most especially when the son happen to be the first child or the last child or the only son or only child. The mothers always fail to realize that her little boy would one day grow up to be a man and would go on and have his own family.

There is this story a colleague  told me about a friend of his whose closeness to his mother has prevented him from getting married. He said that every girlfriend he has had, refused to marry him because of his affinity to his mother. He always made them understand that he cannot live separately from his mother and his mother will live with them under the same roof when they eventually get married. It is not as if he cannot afford to set his mother up somewhere else as he is well loaded and have houses in different places in both Lagos and his hometown, but he is insisting that his mother would live with him. In most cases the girls get scared and refuse to go into the marriage. However, the mother has realized that she seem to be the problem of her son and that their closeness together is what is affecting him and preventing him from getting married and has since relocated abroad. Now it’s not as if the mother cannot live with him as the case may be, but it’s obvious in this case that the kind of bond that mother and son share is so tight that it would definitely put a stress on the marriage when eventually he gets married. The good thing here, however is that the mother has been able to realize this and try to create the enabling environment for her son to move forward. Not all mothers can do this. Please send me your comments and let me know what you think about the relationship between wives and mother in law.

 

 

 

 

BEDROOM WAHALA

Hello people, it’s been quite some time since I came in here. Work has been pressing so I barely have time . However, a lot has been happening around. Today’s post is going be a very long one, hope you take your time to read through it.

About two weeks ago I noticed that my friend Eke was not looking his usual self. He seem to have lost weight considerably Eke was what you would call a jolly good fellow, always fun to be with and there’s never a dull moment with him, so you can imagine my concern when he came into the bar we usually hung out and sat quietly nursing a bottle of beer and lost in his thoughts. He was not contributing to what we were discussing and seem to be in a world of his own. The Eke that I knew would always want to dominate the discussion and would not even allow others to talk, but on this particular day, things were different which made me believe something must have gone wrong. I quickly concluded that it must have been the close down of Ladipo market . Eke imports auto spare parts and sells wholesale to traders at ladipo so I felt the close down must have been affecting him.

Later that evening, he called me aside, and started complaining about his wife to me. They have been married for nine years and they have an eight year old boy. He said for some months now, his wife has been refusing him sex for no reasons, and that right now, they are no longer on speaking terms with each other at home and his home has become so unbearable for him so much so that he detests going home. I advised him to sit his wife down and talk to her and try to find out what the problem is. He told me that he has tried severally to do this, but its not working for him. He asked me to come talk to his wife. I wondered why he wanted me to talk to his wife and how I was going to start such a discussion. I however, agreed when he reminded me that his wife respects me a lot and looks up to me as an elder brother. (I was the one that introduced both of them together, the wife was my cousin’s best friend and they had both lived with me during their youth service year)

That weekend I went to their house to see them. His wife was so happy to see me. She didn’t seem like a woman who was unhappy and they appeared to have mended fences. When she went to get us drinks, I quickly asked Eke if all was well now, and to which he answered negative. He said that he was quite surprised that she was gisting with him now as if everything was fine. He asked me to still go ahead and talk to her and find out what the problem is. When I called her aside later to ask what the problem is, she told me that there was no problem and that she was surprised that Eke told me that they had issues. She called Eke and asked him in my presence if it was true that he told me that they had issues, Eke could not reply, he simply kept quiet. So I concluded that Eke was the problem but I couldn’t really pinpoint what the real issue was, so I allowed the matter to die because I didn’t know how I was going to proceed from there since I knew the crux of the matter has to do with the bedroom. I simply advised them to sort out themselves.

However, two nights ago, my phone rang late at night ,and when I looked at it, I found out that it was Eke’s wife that was calling me. I reluctantly picked up the call, only to hear the voice of their little boy saying , 'Uncle please come to our house quickly, my mummy and daddy are fighting. I tried to call back, to find out what was really happening, but the phone was not connecting anymore as it had been switched off. I called Mike, a mutual friend of ours and told him what was happening and he said we should meet at Eke’s place. I got there 30minutes later and met Mike who was already there. When I entered the house, the whole place was in disarray. I saw Eke sitting at the dining table looking so lost and frustrated. As I was about to approach him to find out what the problem was I saw his wife coming out from one of the rooms dragging a big box and their little boy crying behind her. I went up to her and tried to find out from her what the problem was. Justthen, she started crying and saying she can’t take this anymore. I allowed her to cry and she calmed down after a while and sat down. She asked her son to go his room that she will soon be with him and She asked Mike and I to sit down and then she started talking.

She said that for the past 2years Eke has been having issues with his manhood. He is barely able to get it up and that most times she would need to work on it for close to two hours before he will get partial erection and even at that, he’s barely able to sustain it leaving her frustrated and in need. She said she had advised him severally to seek help, but he keep saying he’s okay. She said it got to a point she decided there was no need getting intimate, because of what use will it be when she cannot get any satisfaction from it. However, every now and then Eke keeps pestering her for sex knowing how difficult it is for him to get erection and how most times he ends up ejaculating even before penetration. She said she decided to bear all these believing that one day things would get back to normal. She said she has been suffering in silence and has not told anyone about this not even her friends, and was quite surprised when I asked her two weeks ago if they had issues. She had decided not to say anything not wanting hurt his ego believing that he had decided to get help since he told me, but she later realized that I did not know what was really going on. Ever since then she has been pressurizing him on the need to get help but he has bluntly refused yet he wants to get intimate and when she refuses he gets angry and violent.

I looked at Eke, and wondered why he has kept this to himself all these while and has refused to get help. As far as I know there's nothing to be ashamed of here. 60 to 70 percent of men between the ages of 40-70 years experience erectile dysfunction at one point in their lives and this may be due to anxiety, depression, or psychological problems, however seeking help in the right direction often goes a long way in sorting this out. I pointed this out to Eke and told him that he should even be happy that he has a good and faithful wife. I often wonder why most men are ashamed to come to terms with erectile dysfunction. Having erectile dysfunction is not the end of the world and its something that happens in 1 out of every 10 men. The good thing is that it can be handled and treated so I see no reason why it should be hidden. Overall treatment for ED have improved significantly in recent years. These days most people are eventually able to get back to successful intercourse. So for those men out there experiencing this problem, do take a bold step and seek help. And for the wives that are affected, do not relent in your effort in helping your man.

Do send me your comments and let me know what you think about this. Cheers

 

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN

The Lyrics of the song "when a man loves a woman" originally done by Percy Sledge in 1966
and covered again by Michael Bolton in 1991, captures the exact scenario of whats happening
with Gift a 37 years old guy. The writer of that song stated that when a man loves a woman
he can't keep his mind on notin else and would trade the world for her. And if she is bad, he
can't see it, because she can do no wrong, as he turns his back on his best friends if they
try to put her down, even when she's playing him for a fool because he's usually the last
one to know, as his loving eyes can never see.

 Gift and Abike has been married for 3 years and are without any kid. Gift came back from work sometime in december (he works for an oil company and spends 2 weeks offshore) to
meet an empty apartment. His wife had parked out of the house prior to his arrival. According to him, there was no quarrel or misunderstanding between them and all had been well and good with them. So you can imagine his shock when he came back and met an empty house.He tried to call her through out that day but her phone was switched off. He was very worried as he had spoken to her the
previous night and she had not told him she was going anywhere. He couldnt sleep that night and went round all her friends place to look for her but no one seem to know her wherabout. The next day she called him to tell him not to bother searching for her because she won't be coming back home as shes no longer interested in the marriage. Gift was so surprised by her behaviour and he asked her
what the problem is? she could not come up with anything tangible, but all she kept saying was that she dosen't want the marriage anymore. Gift got in touch with her uncle, who was like a father to her since she had lost her father when she was young, to find out if he knew what the problem is, but he too was at loss. However, after so much hassles the uncle was able to convince her to come out of her hiding and come see him so they could talk things over. When asked what the problem is...she said she no longer wanted to be married and that she married because all her friends were getting married and not because she really wanted to be married. She advised Gift to move on with his life and let her be. At this point, Gift started pleading with her to change her mind and come back home with him, and when he saw that she was not willing to bulge, he threatened to commit sucide if she dosent come back to him.

However, as far as Gift's friends were concerned. Abike was good riddance to bad rubbish. They told Gift to be happy, she had left on her own accord and should start celeberating because Abike was not exactly the wife material. They told him of all her many escapades when he is not in town, and how she goes around, drinking in different bars, clubbing and sleeping with different men. What kind of married woman would go clubbing everyday dressed in bumper shorts and skimpy clothes, they told him. Two of his friends confirmed how they met her twice in an hotel with a man she claims was her boss. They told him they could not tell him before now because they did not know how he would react to it, so in view of all these they told him to move on with his life, just as she had advise. Gift on the other hand is adamant, saying that in spite of all what he has been told, he still want his wife back. His family has however told him that they would disown him if his wife comes back to his house because they have been telling him of her nefarious activities before now yet he has refused to act on it. They told him it was obvious she was not just ready for marriage and that its even a good thing that she has left.

Right now, Gift is not on speaking terms with his friends and family....he has told everyone
to leave him alone and let him bear his cross himself. Now the question is this....given what Gift knows about his wife, given the fact that she has refused to come back to the house, why is Gift still begging her to come back? Could this be love or is there something we really dont know? Well we may not be able to answer all these questions begging for answers but the truth remains that the man is actually in love and nothing is going to change that. Theres a parable where I come from which says that it is better to give birth to a thief than to give birth to a fool. Well I dont know how true that is, but I am of the opinion that something is terribly wrong somewhere and very soon we will all get to know. Because it's either there's something wrong, or Gift is just plainly been stupid or he has been jazzed. No Naija man in his right senses will watch his wife turn public property up to the extent of parking out of the house and would still be begging her to come back like Gift is doing. This is really a case of when a man loves a woman he can trade the world for her....like Gift is doing right now. And this is exactly what we get when we marry for the wrong reasons. you dont marry a girl because you think shes the most beautiful girl in the world, and as a woman you dont marry when you not just ready to....just because your friends are getting married.

Please send in your comments and let me know what you think. Cheers.

WHO'S THE BOSS

Back in the days, there was this song by Gwen Gutrie an American singer which was titled "Aint Nothing goin on but the rent" In the chorus of that song you can hear her telling her man, you gotta have a J-O-B, if you wanna be with me. Yes its true that theres no romance without finance.  Its a common thing these days to see women taking on the responsibilities of the breadwinner in many homes today and gradually the traditional roles in the home is now shifting as the moms are now becoming the workers while the men are now becoming the stay home dads.....how sad.

This is however, causing a lot of rift in some households because the men are finding it difficult to switch roles. Traditional Nigeria family systems are becoming transformed, or are under strain, as in many parts of the world, particularly as women stake claim to greater equality. Man’s role from youth had been defined such that providing food for the woman and her posterity is an obligation. However, the economic recession is such that its putting so much strain on the family. The man's income may not be enough to cater for the entire family or he may have lost his job thereby forcing the women to work to assist the family and gradually she assumes the role of the breadwinner. This however does not go down well with most men as the ordianed head of the family.

I had a friend who once told me that he grew up in a home where his mom was the breadwinner of the house and it got to a stage in their life that they as children no longer respected their dad in the house because it now seem that it was their mom that was responsible for their wellbeing. Due to this fact, he had vowed that he would never be in a situation where a woman would have to fend for him. Todays post is been informed by what is happening between my friend Jerome and his wife Tessy who are having issues originating from the fact that Jerome had lost his job.

 Jerome was doing well in his job as an area manager in one of the new generation banks until he got sacked  about 2 years ago. Alhough he had built a house in Lekki, things got tough for him as he was dead broke and his wife was the one taking care of the home. He had tried to go into business but it was not just working for him. Now he's contemplating selling his house in Lekki and relocating the family abroad. However, the wife who works as a medical doctor in one of these high profile
 hospitals in Lagos is seriously against the move and this is causing ripples in the family. According to her, shes not comfortable with going abroad to start a new life when she has a well paying job here. She said that even with the fact that Jerome had lost his job, they were still living well as she is fully able to cater for the family needs pending when her hubby is able to get back on his feet again.  Jerome on his part is having issues with the fact that his wife was the one taking care of the family. According to him, he is gradually losing his posistion as the head of the house and  for him, that is the reason his wife would oppose his decision to relocate the family abroad. He says his kids no longer come to him when they need anything, instead they go to their mom. He also said that he's tired of having to ask for money from his wife everytime he needs money even to fuel his car. He says he feels he's no longer in control of his family as he's gradually losing his role as the head of the house....a claim which his wife refuted.

From what I was able to gather, Jerome is a man struggling with the definition of masculine and feminine roles which has led to insecurity and complex on his part and this is gradually destroying his ego. I made him realize that the sooner he comes back to reality the better it would be for him, because relocating the family to face the unknown abroad was as good as putting a gun in his mouth and shooting himself. Yes I can understand that he's having difficulty trying to get his himself together, however he should be careful not to make a hush decision. From what I have seen, his wife has been supportive of him so he should on his part let go of that masculine ego and try to restructure his life. He is still in charge as far as I know, just that he seem to be losing confidence in himself.
Jerome's case is what lots of men go through everyday. The pain of having to switch roles as the provider and bread winner of the house can sometimes be over bearing on them and so they tend to lose focus and make rather bad decisions which they may later regret. In all of these, I praise the good women like Tessy, who stand by their hubby in such trying times. There are lots of women that would do this, its just for the men to realize that being the bread winner for the family dosen't neccesirily translate to been the head of the family in an ideal home as far as the couples have mutual respect for each other. So guys, skip the I'm the man of the house idea and focus on getting back on your feet. Like we have always known, behind every sucessful man theres a woman....abi nor be so dem talk am? lol
I would like to use this opportunity to say a HAPPY NEW YEAR to y'all. Do have a prosperous year ahead. Cheers. 

SAINTS AND SINNERS

I got an email from a lady who claimed she's been reading my blog for sometime now. she told me that I am biased in my write up because I tend to criticize women and young ladies alot . In her words she said that for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction, and that without men who patronize runz girls there won't be runz girls. She asked me if I knew how the word Aristo came to play and who the real Aristos are, she said aristos are married men who will not stick to their wives but instead run around with young girls splashing money and gifts on them. She was indeed angry with me that I am making it look as if its the girls that go after these men. Lol.

Well I want to state that I have no apologies for the things that I write about. I write about relationships and everyday life as it concerns men and women. I am not trying to change the world or preach to anybody, I am saying it as I see it and do hope that the things that i write about, the stories I tell, can someday be of help to somebody out there. However I want to thank the lady for taking time out to read my blog. You know when I initially started blogging, I was afraid that I was just writing and posting it out there without anybody really reading it....her email to me and the fact that I now have some followers have really gingered my spirit. The other day, Madame Sting of Nigeria scorpio.com made mention of my blog in one of her post and even posted a link to it. This has really increased traffic to my blog and I want to use this opportunity to say a big thank you to her, and I want her to know that shes highly appreciated.

Now, have I really been biased in my write up? well I would leave that to you to judge. But I know that I have written lots of ill stuff about men too. When I wrote about the spy who loved me, was I been biased? When I wrote about Randy men, was I been biased in my write up? I would like people to veiw things objectively before drawing conclusion. I'm just an everyday guy and I won't claim to be a saint but then again, when something is not right, then its just not right. I am what you call a street man. I grew up on the street and still live on the street, so there is nothing anybody can tell me about what goes on on the street. When young grils sell their bodies for money, and claim its survival series, I laugh at them, because they only end up been devalued. I have seen lots of girls rise from the depth of poverty to become big time people in the society, not from runz but through hard work and  sheer determination. Now, I am not saying that these girls were saints but somehow they were able to rise above that mentality of back for ground money for hand. I once saw a sticker that says Money only impress lazy girls. When a woman works hard, a man with money is just a bonus, and not a ladder to upgrade. I think this is what these so called runz girls should know.

Enough said on this. well the year 2012 is gradually winding down, and we are approaching the new year with so much expectations.At the end of every year I always take time out to view how well I fared in the past year. For this year, I must say a very big thank you to God, because the year has really been good to me. I am not one of those that do the new year resolution stuff, because I do not say things that I know I cant do. However, this is wishing you all a very merry christmas and prosperrous new year !!!

RANDY OLD MEN

About 2 weeks ago, I was hanging out with some friends and one of them said something that got us all thinking. He said men feel cool hanging out and having fun, sleeping with different girls and cheating on their wives while the women are at home taking care of the kids and playing the good and faithful wife. However, have we ever thought that two can play the game? What would be  our reaction if we found out that our wives were cheating on us, just as we are doing the same thing. When he said this, the table went quiet for sometime as everybody was trying to digest the effect of what he said.  In response somebody on the table shouted, tufiakwa, abomination !!!  How can the woman even think of such thing, let alone commit the actual act. He said that our traditions and culture abhors such behaviour from women and that any woman that does that surely would have herself to blame.

Then again yesterday, I was reading through some threads on Nigerian adult forum and this same topic came up. That why is it generally accepted that its okay for a man to commit adultery and cheat on his wife, but its not okay for the woman to do the same. The poster asked why must it be, that while oga plays away at any flimsy excuse the woman is made to stay at home and work it out even when the man continues to starve her of sex she's made to stay at home lonely, and horny and still remain the good house wife. A lot of arguments were raised on this and it almost turned into a battle of the sexes. However, the general conclusion was that what is good for the geese should also be given to the gander....lol.

Yes, it is true that our culture is oppressive to the women folk, that is why my friend the other day at the bar saw it as an abomination for a woman to commit adultery. However, when asked if it is okay for the man to sleep around then why is it not okay for the woman to do the same....his reply was that its a man's world. I have however, found out that this statement, that its a 'man's world'  gets a lot of ladies crazy because they believe that theres no position in life that a woman cannot fit into so in their opinion, what really makes it a man's world? and what gives men the leeway to cheat on their wives and the women not been able to do the same?  Women are being advised to stay and endure in their marriages even when she finds out that the husband is a chronic cheat whereas any woman who cheats on her husband is looked upon as a slut and disgraced. I have seen cases of some women been paraded naked just because she was caught commiting adultery. What now, is the moral compass that is being used to judge both sexes? Please note that I am not in anyway encouraging adultery for women.

In my opinion I believe that theres no justification for adultery either from the man or the woman once married its advisable to stick to your partner, however the society tend to be prejudiced towards the women and it has been like that for ages. I share in the pain of these women and really know that this is unfair. I know a lot of women endure their cheating husband for the sake of their marriages and children, and must say I commend such women. It is really heartbreaking for such women when their husband goes around spreading his seed in every available hole (Pardon my language pls) while shes at home horny and lonely, yet she still endures in all of this.

So in view of the above, I'm putting this question up for all the randy old men out there who find it difficult to stick to their wives.....what would be your reaction if you found out that your wife is cheating on you too as a payback for what you have been doing? Do please drop your comments on this and let me know what you think.

WOMEN SEX AND MONEY.

This morning I was reading some comments on facebook and came across this post by a lady, which said that "a relationship that does not get you to the altar should at least get you to the bank, and not just the bedroom or the kitchen" I had a good laugh over it, but then again it brought to mind the issue of women, sex and money. Severally I have heard this phrase that there's no romance without finance. I don't know how true that is, but Seeing that comment reminds me of the mentality of some Nigerian women who believe that their body is an avenue to wealth.

For them, getting into a relationship with them means taking care of all their needs, and so they would assess any prospective toaster to see if he can cope with their demands. Their assessment of you involves, the kind of car you drive, where you live, and how you dress. Here in Nigeria, girls believe that if you have to be hitting on them then you have to show appreciation which comes in form of money and taking care of all their needs. Its no more an issue of loving you for who you are, but loving you for what I can get from you. I believe it seriously demeans a woman when money becomes the focal point in any relationship. However, their arguement is that they need money to take care of themselves, they need money to make themselves beautiful and attractive, so you, the man in their life have to provide that money, irrespective of the fact that some of them are actually working. Let us agree that is is in our African culture for the man to take care of the woman but like I said earlier when money becomes the focal point in every relationship then it leaves much to be desired.

One can attribute all these to the level of poverty in our society. In a society with so much poverty in the land, the values are simply thrown away and greed takes its place. We have seen instances where some girls due to their love for money  would leave their boyfriends who they really loved and marry a super rich guy because they want comfort and wealth and most times those marriages dont end well. Its either they are been maltreated by their hubby who sees himself as their God because he obviously provides all their needs or they resort to infidelity because they dont really love their husband, it is the money, and the comfort they love. Its a common thing these days to see young girls engaging in prostitution which they now call runz, all in the bid to meet up. What really irks me is our undergraduate girls in the university who will gladly sell body for money. They will tell you there are not into prostitution but rather what they are doing is runz or aristo. I wonder what the difference is between the runz and prostitution. I seriously fear for our future generation and what they would turn out to be. Its biblical that the love for money is the root of all evil. and every evil act usually leads its victim on a long and tortous journey to self destruction and perdition. However, in all of these there are still a few good girls who understand that money can't  really buy love. I do hope and pray for these aristo girls to understand this and come to the realization, that most times its not all about the money, but your dignity as a woman matters alot.